Super Bonkers Hero Cataclysm Crossover Aught-Thousand
by Synnifex
Summary: The year is 2355, and, in a super-max slam on Crematoria, Harry Potter is The-Boy-Who-Shiv'd… just kidding. While fighting for his life in the Chamber of Secrets, Harry receives some unusual assistance. Events devolve from there, presumably.


**Rated for Language and Violence.**

 _Help me!_ Harry thought desperately into the hat, as he rolled out of the way of a swipe from the basilisk's tail.

The hat made no answer, save to contract sharply. Stars burst in Harry's skull as something hard hit the crown of his head. Reeling away from the force of the impact, he looked back disbelievingly as a black leather boot emerged from the brim of the dropped Hat, closely trailed by another. Legs followed in quick succession, connected a torso, then arms and a head, and in another moment a muscular woman had been deposited unceremoniously on the floor of the Chamber.

Harry stared.

This new apparition was dressed in loose-fitting red cargo pants and a black tank top in addition to the weathered boots which had announced their owner's arrival to his cranium. She bore impressive tattoos over virtually all of her exposed skin, and her face was horribly pockmarked and scarred, with two of the most prominent furrows forming a giant lopsided 'x' across her features. Her hair was streaked with violet highlights and drawn back into a short ponytail. As the woman locked gazes with him, Harry registered extraordinarily vivid purple eyes which then swept around the Chamber to take in her surroundings.

A sharp clatter accompanied the expulsion of two large handguns onto the floor beside her.

The boy could do nothing but gape. It appeared that the Sorting Hat had sent him a muggle gang member.

"Kinzie, what the hell happened?" the new arrival addressed empty air; her voice accented with an odd burr of French (or was it Russian? - Harry couldn't tell). "This doesn't look like one of your training programs - it's missing all the usual accessories."

Fawkes dived again, drawing another hideous spitting sound from the basilisk. As it turned, Harry saw that both its great yellow eyes were punctured, viscous fluid running from the sockets.

"I don't know!" a second, disembodied female voice responded, causing him to start violently. "Something just pulled you right out of the system and into another! I'm running diagnostics, just don't move!"

"Not an option Kinzie!" yelled the strange woman, snatching up the nearer of her guns and diving out of the way of the writhing basilisk as it lunged after Fawkes. She rolled into cover behind the pillar Harry was braced against, and gave him a friendly smile. "Hello there. Can you tell me what's going on?"

There was a series of flashes in the corner of Harry's eye as Riddle lashed after the phoenix with jets of light, driving it away from his snake. With a significant effort, Harry refocused and stuttered a response.

"I- I just asked for help- and then you- you came out of the hat." He gestured vaguely to the crumpled cloth chapeau laying a distance away on the floor.

"Okay," she said quite calmly and the tattooed shoulders shrugged in accompaniment. Producing a pistol magazine out of thin air the woman slid it home into the butt of her firearm. "Summoned by a hat…to help a boy…fight a snake?"

Harry nodded cautiously at such easy acceptance. His bemusement must have shown on his face, because the fearsome lady grinned at him.

"I just finished saving the whole goddamn world, how hard could it be to help one underfed waif?"

Harry wasn't sure what to make of that.

He joined her in peeking out and saw Fawkes still leading Riddle and the basilisk on a merry chase. "This dungeon is much cooler than the last one I was in, you know," his companion stated, half to herself. "More PG, admittedly – but a better design on the whole. Though I really wish I got more advanced notice about these DLCs."

Harry frowned, now thoroughly confused by such cryptic utterances, not to mention how unfazed this person continued to be by the situation. Waiting a moment as the serpent went writhing by again, the woman dashed out and retrieved her other gun. Harry peeked around a corner to see that the apparition of Riddle had finally noticed the new-comer. The ghost was only taken aback for a moment, then shouted " _No matter – kill him, and the other! Eat them both! You can still smell – they are behind you!_ "

"What's your name?" Harry found he was being asked, as the blinded basilisk swung uncertainly towards them. Fawkes dived, but was driven off by rapid spells from the wand Riddle held.

"Harry. Harry Potter. You are-?" he replied.

"Everyone calls me the Boss," the woman said, slamming home a magazine in her other weapon.

Riddle herded the Phoenix still further away as the snake began stalking them.

"So what exactly are we fighting, some sort of snake king?"

"Uhh…yes. A basilisk. And its ghost master," said Harry faintly. Behind him, he could hear the creature sniffing the air.

"Works for me," said the tattooed lady, bring up her pistols with a manic grin. Harry looked on in incredulity – she was actually going to take on the massive serpent with just _those_?

A colorful shape appeared in Harry's sightline.

Blinking, he observed a text-filled rectangle resolving itself to his left, reading to the effect of: _Defeat the Ghost of Riddle with the power of friendship._

Below that, more purple letters faded in: _Also, defeat the Basilisk: King of Serpents, Despoiler of the Ünter Hive._

Then a third line, adding: _(Don't die, preferably)._

Harry rubbed his eyes – the strange letters did not go away. Looking rapidly around did not shift their orientation either – they seemed fixed to his perspective. Giving up on the effort, Harry decided that if he were going mad (increasingly likely, it seemed), the best thing to do was play along. At least the words weren't obstructing his sight.

The enormous snake had finally located them, and lunged just as the woman called 'Boss' stepped out from behind cover. Sidestepping deftly, she fired a quick succession of shots at its head as the basilisk demolished the pillar they'd been sheltering behind. She danced away from the return attack, and it gave chase. Harry's less graceful dive had left him sprawling behind a fallen statue, wondering what he could do.

There was a pained screech, and Harry looked up to see Fawkes vanish in a burst of flame. Riddle turned and began stalking towards Harry, murder in his eyes. A ways off and to the right, the – Boss – was still evading and firing upon the increasingly angry basilisk. Harry was amazed to see it was bleeding in a few places.

Harry ducked a red streak of light sent his way by Riddle and looked around desperately for a weapon. He was half-conscious of the continued sounds of gunfire. Somehow, he could still hear the Boss's voice clearly no matter how far away she was.

"Kinzie," she was saying, "can't I at least have some music for this? I _am_ trying to be incredibly awesome at the moment…"

"I can't upload anything to wherever you are!" the other voice snapped in exasperation. "I'm only able to affect the core code in your uplink cache! Maybe I could trigger something you remember Boss, but you aren't the best-"

She was interrupted by another flurry of shots. Harry hurled a rock at Riddle, who blasted it out of the air with a curse, and Harry just barely twisted away from a spell that crackled and burned orange as it passed him.

"Boring Kinize, just put me on shuffle."

"Oh alright," replied the unseen Kinzie in a long-suffering tone. "Only _you_ would be more concerned about background music than staying in one piece, _honestly_."

Another jet of light streaked from Riddle's wand, and this time Harry dodged the wrong way. The spell caught him in the stomach and sent him tumbling. Coming to rest against a large chunk of broken masonry, Harry looked down. Blood was welling through the fabric of his robes, and he wasn't able to feel his legs.

Faint scuffing drew Harry's attention; he looked up to see the indistinct figure of Tom Riddle observing him with a cruel smile.

"Dying already, Harry Potter? I'll make it quick for you."

He raised Harry's wand and-

" _Ooga-chaka-ooga-ooga-ooga-chaka-"_

Riddle froze. Apparently, the bizarre new noise Harry was hearing _wasn't_ only audible to him.

" _I can't stop this feeling…deep inside of me-"_

Harry was just as nonplussed as Riddle. Not only was the absurd music filling the room, the tattooed woman was singling along to it, her accent far more pronounced.

"-girl jou just don' realize…vat you - join in Kinzie!"

"No way Boss!"

"Ven I hold you-" staccato gunfire. The basilisk howled. "In my arms zo tight, jou make me know-"

More gunfire. Both Riddle and Harry watched in disbelief as the basilisk reared high with an anguished yowl, blocking any view of the woman.

"AH-ya-ya-ya-ya'm-"

Two loud shots pealed out.

"-hooked on ze feeling!" the Boss sang. The basilisk swayed drunkenly under the impacts, and then toppled backwards, crashing to the floor inches from Harry with enough force to snap its teeth.

"What sorcery is this!?" screeched Riddle, turning his wand on the Boss. She had vaulted onto the corpse and was now advancing along the fallen snake's belly towards them, still singing at the top of her lungs.

"-On believing…zat jou're in love vith meee…" the madwoman did a pirouette and resolved it with her weapons trained on the ghost.

Her firearms discharged in swift succession, and Riddle's eyes widened comically as the second bullet tore a furrow across his cheek, which started bleeding silvery, translucent blood. He barely managed to avoid the rest of the barrage.

" _Expelliarmus_!" Riddle bellowed, flicking Harry's wand. Both guns flew out of the Boss's hands and spun away down the chamber, while she was lifted up and thrown back into a pillar with a heavy crack that splintered the stone. Her limp body fell to the floor. With a triumphant sneer, Riddle turned back to Harry.

The Boss flipped to her feet, guns reappearing in her hands as if she'd drawn them from nowhere. Riddle's ghost rotated to face her in a manner more reminiscent of defective clockwork than spectral grace.

" _Lips as sweet as candy-"_ throbbed the air.

The Boss unleashed a veritable storm of projectiles towards the diary's shade, who instantly responded with some sort of shield, only to spin away as it collapsed under her onslaught. Riddle in turn directed several beams of red and orange light toward the Boss, forcing her to twist and then roll to the side, but he anticipated the move and sent a ray of green right toward where she was rising.

Harry was certain the woman was going to die, but before the beam could connect there was a sudden _blurring_ as she moved twenty paces away down the chamber in a flash of blue sparks, leaving the spell to ricochet harmlessly off the floor.

Riddle snarled and moved after her, sending out more spells, while gleaming bullets flashed back towards him. Conflict was well and truly joined, and above it all the music continued to make itself heard, the Boss still accompanying it in her off-key alto.

"-Got a keess from Kinzie…and now ah'm wantin' more-"

"I hate you so much," said the other voice in resignation. "Those aren't even the lyrics!"

The music pounded on.

Harry could feel his strength fading as blood leaked from him, and his sight was dimming. Desperately, he looked down the chamber towards where he knew the cursed diary was lying. If only he could damage the book in some way, maybe it would distract Riddle long enough for the Boss to shoot the ghost properly…

There was a whooshing noise as Fawkes flew overhead, and something dropped into Harry's lap. _The diary._

Harry stared at it for a moment, and then without thinking, without considering, as if he'd meant to do it all along, he grabbed one of the splintered basilisk fangs and plunged it through the cover.

Riddle screamed as ink poured out over Harry's hand in torrents. He could vaguely see the ghost had dropped to its knees and was clutching desperately at its chest, struggling to rise again, howling in agony - until the Boss stepped up and put three shots right through the memory's head.

Riddle winked out of existence.

Harry found himself holding a soggy diary that looked as if the center had been burned out by a blowtorch. The Boss began walking back to him, and Harry blinked at the red and gold blob landing at his side.

"'lo Fawkes, you were amazing" he said weakly. Fawkes made no reply, but pearly tears were streaming out of its eyes onto his belly.

"Is the bird dangerous?" the woman who had come to his rescue asked from somewhere above him.

"No, Fawkes is a friendly phoenix," Harry replied, mildly surprised he wasn't slurring more. _Was this what death was like? He felt very peaceful._ "Thanks for your help too, Boss…sorry I'm…"

He didn't feel like he was dying anymore though. As the sensation of strength suddenly came pouring back into his limbs, Harry remembered – _phoenix tears have healing properties_. Well, he wasn't going to complain.

His companion had apparently noticed the effect the tears were having on him too.

"Damn, that's cool," she said. "I wish I had a first aid avian. Kinzie, switch to my victory mix!"

"You're not exactly an ipod, Boss," the reply came, laced with some asperity. "I can only access individual songs by cross analyzing a highly complex memory buffer and-"

"Never mind Kinzie, the moment's passed. You can turn it off now."

The music abruptly died.

Harry flexed his hands and legs experimentally. He felt remarkably well. The purple rectangle of text had changed too – now all three lines had ' _Objective Achieved'_ appended to them. He shook his head in bafflement.

"Not bad for a ten-year old," commented the Boss, lifting Harry to his feet as if he weighed nothing.

"I'm twelve!" said Harry, a little heatedly. So he was short for his age, what of it?

"Sorry, twelve," she amended, sounding genuinely contrite. "You keep this sort of thing up, there'll definitely be a place for you in my crew by the time you turn fifteen."

"Uh…crew?" asked Harry. "Are you a…mechanic or something?" Harry had been about to outright ask if she was a gangster, before the sensible part of his brain had caught up with his mouth.

The Boss's scarred features regarded him with a 'where-have-you-been?' kind of look. "Third Street Saints? Straight outta Stillwater? President? Aliens? Any of this ring a bell?"

It didn't. When Harry obvious confusion persisted, she huffed derisively. "Someone didn't program this properly. I thought the last installment was phoning it in, but this takes the-"

"Uh, Boss?" the ethereal Kinzie broke in, sounding worried. "I don't think you're in an unannounced DLC. Your body's…well…it's kinda gone."

The Boss blinked.

"…What?"

"Your body's gone Boss, like, completely missing! It vanished right out of the uplink chair! And I can't get any form of response from the server our system claims you're linked to!"

The Boss was quiet for a long moment.

"…I actually have super powers," she finally said.

"WHAT!?" shrieked the unseen Kinzie. "Boss, what are you talking about? You may have been kidnapped by some sort of extra-dimensional being or disintegrated by an assassination's weapon leaving only your consciousness trapped in a computer program or caught in some sort of temporal paradox or-"

She was speaking very fast.

"I really have superpowers," interrupted the other woman reverently. She crouched as if to sprint, and a blue glow surrounded her body. "What I could do in the Simulation…I can actually do it here! Holy shit Kinzie – this is fucking awesome!"

" _Awesome!?_ When we got you back from Hell, at least we had a script to follow! A director to question! Refreshments in between takes! But now you're lost God-know-where, who knows why or how, and if I can't fix it I may never-"

There was a loud sniff as Kinzie's voice abruptly cut off. As the Boss gently addressed the air, Harry was taken aback at the sudden tenderness appearing on her face.

"Now, now, Kinzie, don't cry, I'm sure we'll figure out what's happened. I'll be fine, and we'll see each other again, I promise."

"I know _that_ ," growled Kinzie's voice in an unconvincing attempt at unaffectedness. "You've gotten out of worse trouble before. I'll need some time to analyze things, and then- and then we'll get you home. I'll even bring in Matt's help on this."

"I had no idea I meant so much to you," replied the Boss with a wry smile. "Truly Kinzie, I'm touched."

"Shut it you!" Kinzie was back to her previously exasperated tone. "I'm going to have to tell everyone else anyway, so it's not like I'll even need to ask. That prick jumps at every-"

She dissolved into grumbling, and the Boss turned to look at a very confused Harry Potter. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally raising his hand and saying, "I'm lost."

The tattooed woman stowed her guns somewhere (actually, they vanished back into thin air, but that was hardly what he was having trouble with at the moment) and folded her arms in apparent contemplation. Harry mirrored her.

"It is rather a long story," said the Boss with a nostalgic smile. "It began when I arrived in Stillwater at fourteen-"

"The Boss rose through the ranks of the local gang, the Third Street Saints, and led them to international influence and the US presidency," cut in Kinzie. "Aliens invaded Earth and destroyed it, the last remaining Saints conquered them, and now our empire is rebuilding the planet and using time machines to grab the people of Old Earth so the human race doesn't go extinct. Which was going _fine_ , until the Boss vanished from reality… _again_ , so now were going to have get her back. _AGAIN._ "

The Boss rolled her eyes. "I was just following the established plot. Hardly my style to be a damselized _дурачок_ if I've got a say in it."

Harry ignored this. Thinking through what Kinzie had said, there was still quite a bit he didn't understand, but the broad strokes made sense, for the most part. Well, except for the aliens. And the time travel. And the part where someone like the Boss became president of a country. And-

"I think we need to talk to Dumbledore," said Harry, feeling a headache coming on. "As soon as he gets back to Hogwarts."

It was the Boss's turn to look bemused.

"Hogwarts? Dumbledore? Where am I anyway, if this isn't DLC? And, sorry for asking, but wherever here is, is it normal for kids to be facing monsters and ghosts in gothic dungeons?"

Harry sighed.

"Okay…um…I have no idea what Dee-Ell-Sea is. You're in Britain. This is a school for magic, called Hogwarts. I shouldn't be fighting monsters, but…erm…the basilisk was attacking students this year, and I didn't want the school to close, and my best mate's sister got taken, but Hermione had figured it out, even though she was petrified, and Ron and I went after it so…yeah. Dumb idea in hindsight, I almost died again. Not liking that pattern."

Harry realized he was babbling and refocused. "Dumbledore is the Headmaster of Hogwarts and probably the best wizard alive right now. If anyone can help you get home, it's him. I really hoping he returns soon, 'cause he was kind of sacked."

The Boss shot him a concerned look. "So 'Best Wizard Alive' is fired from where he would be rather useful, and disposing of a deadly snake and its ghostly master falls to one of the students? I think you'd better start from the beginning and don't skimp the details."

"Yes, please," broke in a teary-faced Ginny Weasley, causing them to both start violently at the sudden recognition of her presence. "I really don't understand what's going on."

Fawkes added a chirp of agreement from his perch on the dead snake.

With a heartfelt sigh, Harry buried his face in his hands. It was becoming a very long day.

\\_O_/

There were a great many explanations that had to be made, first to the Boss, then to Ginny, then to Ron, and then to the Boss again once it became apparent they had absolutely no magic where she came from. Then virtually _everything_ had to be repeated to the crowd they found in Professor McGonagall's office. And, unfortunately, there were still a lot of questions left over even after Harry had talked himself hoarse and had to be conjured a glass of water.

"So what's your side to this rather remarkable tale?" Dumbledore finally addressed the Boss, his eyes twinkling madly, after Harry had made it up through the current moment.

Then it was the woman's turn to tell an abridged version of what must be a rather long and convoluted story, which, while doing much for putting Harry's problems into an interesting perspective (at least being the Boy-Who-Lived didn't come with expectations of saving a planet), didn't end up giving them a clue as to how she had arrived in the first place. Nor the any idea as to how to get her back home.

The only things that Harry _could_ definitively say he knew were that:

A; the Boss seemed like she had come from a different reality to theirs,

B; only he and she could hear the mysterious unseen Kinzie or see the floating purple text (which had now changed to: _Sing the 'Ballad of Snaky Smiting'_ ), and

C; he was very tired and could do with a bit of a lie down.

"I don't mind staying here for a bit 'till things get straightened out," the Boss told Harry in an aside, while the Weasleys embarked on a fresh round of fussing over Ginny and Dumbledore had entered into a wordless conversation with the Sorting Hat by placing it on his head. "I doubt Kinzie can fix this overnight, and since your old wizard doesn't have an answer right now either, I'll just consider it an extended vacation. In the meantime you can take me around, show me the sights."

"What?" Harry was, to put it mildly, surprised. "Why me? I'm just- I'm mean I'm sure someone else would be better-"

"Look, just between us, you're the sanest person I've met here," replied the Boss with a wink. Then, with a more serious look, "I think you understand what it's like to be stranger in a strange land. I've fought beside you, so I trust you. And," she smiled, "I'd be able to help out if another legendary monster pops out of the woodwork. Seems you're somewhat prone to those sort of incidents."

Harry felt both awkwardly happy and embarrassed.

"I didn't really defeat Riddle," he mumbled. "And you and Fawkes took down the basilisk. Really, I wasn't able to do much at all-"

"You worked with what you had, and you didn't panic," interrupted the Boss adamantly. "That's diamond, kid. Seriously, I know people twice your age without a quarter of your guts. You're going places Harry, and while sure as shit there'll be a lot to deal with on the way, you'll do fine."

Harry would have liked savor the feeling of someone else having such confidence in him longer than the split-second he was able to before Mrs. Weasley (who had unfortunately caught the tail end of their conversation) broke in to reprimand the Boss.

" _Young lady!_ " she exclaimed in a scandalized tone. "Please watch your language! There are _children_ present."

"Shit, sorry. I forgot."

A moment later the Boss's eyes widened as she realized the integral problem. "Ah fuck- I meant shat- I mean shoot- er-"

Mrs. Weasley was rapidly taking on the aspect of a towering thunderstorm as the Boss continued to dig herself into a hole. Harry maintained a desperate poker-face.

"-you Brits say 'balls,' but of course you've got 'fuck' too. Oh, double damn it! Fuck- _Сукин сын_ \- _bordel de merde_ -"

"Actually, we say 'bollocks,'" Ron broke in helpfully, if not sensibly. He and the twins had also been following the Boss's musings with rapt interest.

" _ **RONALD WEASLEY!"**_ his mother bellowed, turning on him.

Harry cringed in sympathy as Ron withered before the hurricane, but he couldn't keep the traitorous smile off his face any longer. The Boss caught his eye and winked, before assuming an expression of exceptional contriteness. This made Harry almost laugh out loud, but he hastily composed himself as Mrs. Weasley turned back to them. Behind their mother, the twins were twitching with the effort of remaining stoic.

"AS FOR YOU-" she cried, glaring at the Boss, only to lose steam in the face of the sudden appearance of penitence.

"I'm sorry ma'am, it has been a very trying day," said the Boss in a subdued tone. "I'm not that mindful of my mouth when I'm tired, unfortunately. Poor upbringing. I'll try to keep it from happening again."

"…I accept your apology Ms…Boss," said the red-haired woman, after a moment of suspicious appraisal. "I have not had the easiest day myself, and I owe you great thanks for your part in saving Ginevra."

She clutched her youngest child tightly to her bosom, and suddenly looked ready to burst into tears again.

"Glad I could help her. And Harry," returned the other woman equitably.

"Perhaps we should all go down to the Hospital Wing and get something calming to drink while Madame Pomphrey checks on the children?" suggested Mr. Weasley with relief. Professor McGonagall surged to her feet in a rush of black robes.

"That is a capital idea, Arthur," she stated. "Come along now, all of you."

"I would like Harry and our remarkable visitor to stay for a few moments longer," said Dumbledore, removing the Hat from his head and staring upward thoughtfully. "There is more I would like to discuss with them."

Harry and the young woman in question remained in their seats as the others filed out past them, Ron giving Harry's hand a quick shake, and Ginny gathering enough courage to pause and whisper: 'thank-you' before running after her parents. Fred and George were the last out, giving a double thumbs-up and a mouthed ' _amazing_ ' to the Boss before they vanished, pushing the bemused Lockhart on in front.

"Did you learn anything, Headmaster?" asked Harry curiously, after a long pause during which Dumbledore's eyes did not stray from the ceiling.

The old wizard shook himself, and returned his gaze to them. Harry and the Boss leaned forward expectantly.

"Hmm? Oh yes, I'm terribly sorry, but even the Sorting Hat doesn't actually know how it got your companion here," said Albus Dumbledore.

"What!?" exclaimed the pair in unison.

"I _was_ intending to give Harry the sword of Godric Gryffindor," spoke up the Hat, somehow managing to look contrite. "But I sneezed."

\\_O_/

Summer had finally come, but it brought no tranquility to the residents of Privet Drive.

"I don't know why _they_ suddenly need to talk to us about anything," growled Vernon Dursley as he stamped about his living room. His wife and son perched on the couch (which was listing significantly at Dudley's end) watching his movement nervously. "The boy should have been home a week ago, and all we get is a ruddy _owl_ telling us he'll be late. Haven't they ever heard of the telephone?"

Dudley looked over at the telephone sitting innocently on the end table next to him, and attempted to scoot away surreptitiously. The couch swayed lower with a painful creak.

Vernon suddenly perked up. "Maybe the freak's died! That'd explain the lack of details! Maybe we'll never have to see that nuisance again!"

He rubbed his hands together in hopeful glee.

"If he was dead they would have just told us," sniffed Petunia Dursley as she glanced out the window for the fourth time that minute.

 _She_ was genuinely worried about what condition their nephew would be in when he arrived. Not on his behalf, admittedly, but rather because she was uncomfortably familiar with the sort of accidents wizarding children could get into: Lily had come home with rabbit ears her second summer.

Her parents had been amused. Petunia had been mortified.

Shuddering at the memory, she prayed the delay was not due to anything that would impact her well-ordered, _normal_ life.

There was sudden knock, and all three Dursleys jumped.

"Don't worry Pet, I'll run them off," said Vernon, forcing a rictus of cheer onto his face as his mind jumped back to a certain sea-side cabin. "We're going to take a firm line with the boy this summer and no mistake. Can't have him contaminating our Diddums with his nonsense…"

Still muttering, the man strode out of the room.

Petunia and Dudley waited in tense silence as the door was opened and a jumble of indistinct voices floated down the hall.

Vernon reentered, almost grey with sudden pallor, and was swiftly succeeded by an old man with twinkling eyes, dressed in a periwinkle blue gown and pointed hat. At the man's side was the Dursley's nephew, attired in similar fashion, though his garments were black. Behind them…

Dudley whimpered and slumped down in a dead faint, the couch groaning in protest.

Behind the two wizards stood an unusually tall woman, kitted out in a gold shirt, purple vest, and baggy black pants. Loose, dyed hair spilled out from under a heliotrope bandana, and she wore fingerless leather gloves. Her face was covered in scars, her bulging arms wrapped in designs of dark ink, and her boots thudded loudly against the polished wood floor. Petunia blinked several times in the forlorn hope that it would make this unwelcome apparition vanish, but the disturbing sight persisted.

"Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Dursley," the old man addressed them in a pleasant tone as Vernon collapsed to the couch beside his wife. "I am Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster at your nephew's school. I have come to inform you of a sleight adjustment that will be necessary for Harry's living conditions this summer."

"Adjustment?" Vernon repeated after a moment, frowning. The presence of the looming tattooed woman and her garish attire seemed to have robbed his wife of the power to speak. "What kind of adjustment?"

"Only a minor one," replied Dumbledore, his eyes dancing in a way Mr. Dursley did not find comforting. "Due to several unfortunate circumstances this year, young Harry wound up in a situation of mortal peril, and managed to summon assistance from another realm. We subsequently discovered that his savior was bonded to him."

Vernon, whose spirits had rallied briefly at the sound of 'unfortunate circumstances,' and 'mortal peril,' felt them falling rapidly once more.

"Bonded?" he echoed, uncomprehending.

"It would seem so," mused the wizard headmaster. "They certainly suffer intense pain if removed a sufficient distance from one another. It will therefore be necessary for this young lady," he indicated the tall woman who was lounging in the doorway, "to take up residence with you until a solution can be found, or the holiday has run its course. I shall naturally be providing some magical enhancements to Harry's room to allow mutual comfort and privacy to be maintained, for so long as they must cohabitate."

The Dursleys stared at their prospective houseguest with dawning horror.

"Hello!" she addressed them in a bright voice. "I'm the Boss. Pleasure to meet ya!"

Their gazes lingered on her for a moment before returning to Albus Dumbledore, who beamed expectantly at them. There was a long pause. Then, one by one, Vernon and Petunia Dursley's eyes rolled back and they joined their son in insensate prostration on the couch.

"All I did was smile," the Boss murmured, chagrined.

 **FIN**


End file.
